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Joke of the day!
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Tue Sep 08, 2009 7:52 pm    Post subject: Joke of the day! Reply with quote

Things around here have gotten too serious, and we need to use the OT forum more, lift spirits. How about a joke of the day? Anyone can contribute, and anything goes!

==============================================


Bill and Bob, two children, were sitting outside a clinic. Bill happened to be crying very loudly.

"Why are you crying?" Bob asked.

"I came here for a blood test," sobbed Bill.

"So? Are you afraid?"

"No. For the blood test, they cut my finger.

As Bob heard this, he immediately began crying profusely.

Astonished, Bill stopped his tears and asked Bob, "Why are you crying now?"

To which Bob replied, "I came for a urine test!"

Laughing
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2104 CR



Joined: 15 May 2008
Posts: 186
Location: Costa Rica / Heredia

PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 8:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Ha ha uppps!
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Lada made to last!
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 8:48 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER.
8 YEARS OLD. HATEFUL LITTLE DOG... BITES.

------------------
FREE PUPPIES: ½ COCKER SPANIEL
1/2 SNEAKY NEIGHBOR'S DOG.

FREE PUPPIES... PART GERMAN
SHEPHERD, PART STUPID DOG.

------------------
GERMAN SHEPHERD 85 lbs. NEUTERED.
SPEAKS GERMAN. -- FREE.

------------------
1 MAN, 7 WOMAN HOT TUB --
$850/OFFER

------------------
SNOW BLOWER FOR SALE...
ONLY USED ON SNOWY DAYS...

------------------
COWS, CALVES NEVER BRED...
ALSO 1 GAY BULL FOR SALE.

------------------
NORDIC TRACK $300 HARDLY USED,
CALL CHUBBY.

------------------
GEORGIA PEACHES,
CALIFORNIA GROWN -
89 cents lb.

------------------
NICE PARACHUTE:
NEVER OPENED - USED ONCE.

------------------
TIRED OF WORKING FOR ONLY $9.75 PER HOUR?
WE OFFER PROFIT SHARING AND FLEXIBLE HOURS.
STARTING PAY: $7 -- $9 PER HOUR.

------------------
EXERCISE EQUIPMENT:
QUEEN SIZE MATTRESS & BOX SPRINGS - $175.

------------------
JOINING NUDIST COLONY!
MUST SELL WASHER & DRYER $300.

------------------
ALZHEIMER'S CENTER PREPARES FOR
AN AFFAIR TO REMEMBER.

------------------
OPEN HOUSE: BODY SHAPERS TONING SALON.
FREE COFFEE & DONUTS.

------------------
FOR SALE BY OWNER:
Complete set of EncyclopediaBritannica. 45 volumes..
Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married last month. Freaking Wife knows everything
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Richard "Lada" Loiselle
'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:23 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A duck walks into a bar and asks: "Got any Bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we have no bread."
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, we haven't got any bread!"
Duck says: "Got any bread?"
Barman says: "No, are you deaf?! We haven't got any bread, and if you ask me again and I'll nail your dang beak to the bar you irritating dang duck!"
Duck says: "Got any nails?"
Barman says: "No"
Duck says: "Got any bread?
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 9:24 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

An American tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the locals, and have a pint of bitter.

After a while, he finds himself in a very nice neighborhood with big, stately residences...no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS.

He really, really has to go, after all those Guinnesses. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem.

As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London police officer, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know."

"I'm very sorry, officer," replies the American, "but I really, really have to go, and I just can't find a public restroom."

"Ah, yes," said the policeman..."Just follow me". He leads the American to a back delivery alley to a gate, which he opens.

"In there," points the policeman. "Go ahead sir, anywhere you like."

The fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculptured hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom.

Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Sep 09, 2009 11:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

LukeHooper1982 wrote:
Since he has the policeman's blessing, he relieves himself and feels much more comfortable. As he goes back through the gate, he says to the police officer, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call English hospitality?"

"No sir...", replied the police officer, "...that is what we call the French Embassy."


Très drôle / Very funny !! Twisted Evil
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Richard "Lada" Loiselle
'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Mon Sep 14, 2009 3:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

There was a job opening in the country's most prestigious law firm and it finally comes down to Robert and Paul.

Both graduated magna cum laude from law school. Both come from good families. Both are equally attractive and well spoken. It's up to the senior partner to choose one, so he takes each candidate aside and asks, "Why did you become a lawyer?

Only seconds after talking to them both, he chooses Paul.

Baffled, Robert takes Paul aside after the interview. "I don't understand why I was rejected. When Mr. Armstrong asked me why I became a lawyer, I said that I had the greatest respect for the law, that I'd lay down my life for the Constitution and that all I wanted was to do right by my clients. What in the world did you tell him?"

"I said I became a lawyer because of my hands," Paul replies.

"Your hands? What do you mean?"

"Well, I took a look one day and there wasn't any money in either of them!"
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 10:31 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A motorist was unknowingly caught in an automated speed trap that measured his speed using radar and photographed his car. He later received in the mail a ticket for $40, and a photo of his car. Instead of payment, he sent the police department a photograph of $40. Several days later, he received a letter from the police department that contained another picture..............of handcuffs.
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Mon Sep 21, 2009 1:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Martin had just received his brand new drivers license. The family troops out to the driveway, and climbs in the car, where he is going to take them for a ride for the first time. Dad immediately heads for the back seat, directly behind the newly minted driver.

"I'll bet you're back there to get a change of scenery after all those months of sitting in the front passenger seat teaching me how to drive," says the beaming boy to his father.

"Nope," comes dad's reply, "I'm gonna sit here and kick the back of your seat as you drive, just like you've been doing to me all these years."
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Richard "Lada" Loiselle
'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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acadian2300



Joined: 04 Feb 2009
Posts: 205
Location: Winnipeg

PostPosted: Sat Oct 03, 2009 6:07 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

******************************************
I rear-ended a car this morning. So, there we were alongside the road and slowly the other driver got out of his car. You know how sometimes
you just get soooo stressed and little things just seem funny? Yeah, well I couldn't believe it..... He was a DWARF!!!
He stormed over to my car, looked up at me, and shouted, "I AM NOT HAPPY!!!"
So, I looked down at him and said, "Well, then which one are you?"
And then the fight started Twisted Evil
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What dya mean it doesn't fit? Gimme the big F@#! *!# hammer and the torches from my bench!!
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flatlander



Joined: 12 Dec 2008
Posts: 50
Location: Portage La Prairie, Manitoba

PostPosted: Mon Oct 05, 2009 7:29 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

... So after a couple years of marriage, the wife cuddles up to her husband while laying in bed one night and softly suggests that they try something new. The husband, now curious, asks what she had in mind. She asks if maybe, if he wanted too, put it in her "other" hole... He immediately refuses. "Not a Chance!" he says.. "you'll get pregnant like that!!!"
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:38 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Some Sperm were happily lounging around when suddenly there was a Rush of activity and like lemmings they all started excitedly dashing ahead trying to be "THE ONE" . A few seconds later the leader of the group turns and says buckle down boys it's going to be a rough ride.... I think we just passed a tonsil Razz
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:42 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

flatlander wrote:
... So after a couple years of marriage, the wife cuddles up to her husband while laying in bed one night and softly suggests that they try something new. The husband, now curious, asks what she had in mind. She asks if maybe, if he wanted too, put it in her "other" hole... He immediately refuses. "Not a Chance!" he says.. "you'll get pregnant like that!!!"


Laughing
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Thu Oct 08, 2009 5:43 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

crb247 wrote:
Some Sperm were happily lounging around when suddenly there was a Rush of activity and like lemmings they all started excitedly dashing ahead trying to be "THE ONE" . A few seconds later the leader of the group turns and says buckle down boys it's going to be a rough ride.... I think we just passed a tonsil Razz


Laughing
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Wed Oct 21, 2009 12:20 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A teacher asks a student to use the word “incompletely” in a sentence.

The boy says “when my balls hit my girlfriends *censored*, I know I’m in completely.”
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