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Joke of the day!
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 8:49 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

During an IRS audit, the auditor looked at the tax payer and exclaimed...

... "Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable."

"I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it," says Ralph. "How about a demonstration?"

The auditor thinks for a moment and said, "Okay. Go ahead."

Ralph says, "I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye."

The auditor thinks a moment and says, "No way! It's a bet."

Ralph removes his glass eye and bites it. The auditor's jaw drops. Ralph says, "Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye."

The auditor can tell Ralph isn't blind, so he takes the bet.

Ralph removes his dentures and bites his good eye. The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Ralph's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.

"Want to go double or nothing?" Ralph asks. "I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between."

The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this guy can manage that stunt, so he agrees again.

Ralph stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, and urinates all over the desk.

The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win. But Ralph's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.

"Are you okay?" the auditor asks.

"Not really," says the attorney. "This morning, when Ralph told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me twenty thousand dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it."
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Lada & Korean Parts



Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 909
Location: Caboolture, Queensland, Australia

PostPosted: Fri Nov 13, 2009 6:57 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Sheer Nightgowns Can Be Fatal...

A husband walks intoVictoria's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to $500 in price, -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and model it for him ..

Upstairs the wife thinks (she's no dummy ), 'I have
an idea. It's so sheer that it might as well be nothing..


I won't put it on, I'll do the modeling naked,return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for
$500, they'd at least iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Monday at Noon.
The coffin will be closed
_________________
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Lada,Ssangyong,Daewoo,Kia,Hyundai,Rocsta, Festiva

www.ladaparts.com andrew@ladaparts.com
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Sat Nov 14, 2009 9:02 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Laughing Laughing Laughing
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Lada & Korean Parts



Joined: 23 Apr 2007
Posts: 909
Location: Caboolture, Queensland, Australia

PostPosted: Mon Nov 16, 2009 5:21 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

The Man Rules
At last a guy has taken the time to write this all down

Finally , the guys' side of the story.
( I must admit, it's pretty good.)
We always hear ' the rules'
From the female side.

Now here are the rules from the male side.


These are our rules!
Please note.. these are all numbered '1 '
ON PURPOSE!

1. Men are NOT mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat.
You're a big girl.

If it's up, put it down.
We need it up, you need it down.
You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Sunday + GOOD WEATHER = Sports

It's like the full moon
or the changing of the tides.
Let it be...

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want.
Let us be clear on this one:
Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and No

are perfectly acceptable answers

to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it.

That's what we do.
Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.


1. Anything we said 6 months ago

is inadmissible in an argument.
In fact, all comments

become Null and void after 7 Days.


1. If you think you're fat,

you probably are.
Don't ask us.

1. If something we said

can be interpreted two ways

and one of the ways

makes you sad or angry,

we meant the other one

1. You can either ask us

to do something
Or tell us how you want it done.
Not both.
If you already know

best how to do it,

just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible,

Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Captain Cook

did NOT need directions

and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors,

like Windows default settings.
Peach, for example, is a fruit,

not A color.

Pumpkin is also a fruit.

We have no idea what mauve is.

1.. If it itches, it will be scratched.
We do that.

1. If we ask what is wrong

and you say 'nothing,'

We will act like nothing's wrong.
We know you are lying,

but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question

you don't want an answer to,

Expect an answer

you don't want to hear.

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear

is fine... Really .

1. Don't ask us

what we're thinking about

unless you are prepared

to discuss such topics

as CARS OR BOOBS

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape.

Round IS a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this.
Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;


But did you know

men really don't mind that?

It's like camping.
_________________
We supply parts to suit:
Lada,Ssangyong,Daewoo,Kia,Hyundai,Rocsta, Festiva

www.ladaparts.com andrew@ladaparts.com
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Fri Nov 20, 2009 8:03 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 1:29 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

CAUTION DOES CONTAIN CURSING!!!! I fell off my chair and i didn't even have a beer today Razz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3U2mipXJ1Q
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LukeHooper1982



Joined: 04 Feb 2008
Posts: 1609

PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 9:52 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

oh my god chris thats hilarious
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Nov 22, 2009 11:42 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

crb247 wrote:
CAUTION DOES CONTAIN CURSING!!!! I fell off my chair and i didn't even have a beer today Razz

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A3U2mipXJ1Q


I thought we were friends... Crying or Very sad
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'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Nov 28, 2009 12:44 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Not a joke but i'm watching "Canadian Bacon" (Albeit with a few beers)... It's hilarious Very Happy
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Here is what Jeff Foxworthy has
to say about Canadians:

If your local Dairy Queen is closed from
September through May,
You may live in Canada .

If someone in a Home Depot store
Offers you assistance and they don't work there,
You may live in Canada .

If you've worn shorts and a parka at the same time,
You may live in Canada .

If you've had a lengthy telephone conversation
With someone who dialed a wrong number,
You may live in Canada .

If 'Vacation' means going anywhere
South of Detroit for the weekend,
You may live in Canada .

If you measure distance in hours,
You may live in Canada .

If you know several people
Who have hit a deer more than once,
You may live in Canada .

If you have switched from 'heat' to 'A/C'
In the same day and back again,
You may live in Canada .

If you can drive 90 km/hr through 2 feet of snow
During a raging blizzard without flinching,
You may live in Canada .

If you install security lights on your house and garage,
But leave both unlocked,
You may live in Canada .

If you carry jumper cables in your car
And your wife knows how to use them,
You may live in Canada .

If you design your kid's Halloween costume
To fit over a snowsuit,
You may live in Canada .

If the speed limit on the highway is 80 km --
You're going 95 and everybody is passing you,
You may live in Canada .

If driving is better in the winter
Because the potholes are filled with snow,
You may live in Canada .

If you know all 4 seasons:
Almost winter, winter, still winter,
and road construction,
You may live in Canada .

If you have more miles
On your snow blower than your car,
You may live in Canada .

If you find -2 degrees 'a little chilly',
You may live in Canada .
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Jan 09, 2010 7:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

PICS GONE>I ERASED THIS POST
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Last edited by crb247 on Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:08 pm; edited 1 time in total
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Feb 03, 2010 3:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Click play till the end... http://biggeekdad.com/2009/11/parental-control/
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sun Feb 07, 2010 7:44 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

GEE- and I thought it was a Slapchop

Ok....... so I got a slapchop.
This dirty son of a bitch Vince convinced me that this invention would save time, and help me eat healthy.
*censored* Vince and his goddamn nuts.
fettuccine, linguine, martini, bikini...
Let me tell you what this holy terror of a kitchen utensil does.....absolutely nothing.

Let's look at a few things:
1. This thing is made of plastic and has a sharp blade hooked to a spring and a plunger.
This is a poor combination to begin with...
2. The slapchop is about the size of a coffee grinder, which means to you need to slapchop size your food prior to actually using the slapchop. In order to do that you need a knife, if I have a knife in my hand already I may as well chop the *censored* vegetable right then and there.
3. One slap for large sizes, 2 to slaps for smaller sizes, three slaps for a fine dice....*censored* you.
Here's what it actually goes like. One slap, twist and pry on plunger because vegetable is wedged in the cutting mechanism. Two slaps, still *censored* wedged and no smaller than the last slap..... why? because the *censored* blade didn't actually cut anything..it just did a quarter turn with potato stuffed inside. Three slaps, another quarter turn and now your potato is wedged so far into the *censored* machine the plunger won't come out.
Now since the veg is stuffed deep inside this devil contraption you must now take the damn thing apart, easier said than done. Vince says "its easy as one two three" *censored* YOU VINCE!
Its easy to take apart sans potato stuffing however once those blades are full it becomes more difficult.
Picture this, a slapchop full of potato, the plunger is stuffed all the way to the bottom so you can't undo the top part, and it won't turn enough to pry the bottom protector part off.
Now keep in mind that this contraption has a sharp *censored* blade in it...so using your fingers to pry out the potato chunks is ill advised.
What do you do? Get a tool if course....now because you already had to cut your vegetable to slapchop size you happen to have a knife close by.
It only makes sense to use that to dig out the jammed veg.
Ahem...at this point the slapchop is no longer a slapchop, it suddenly becomes a spring loaded vegetable cannon!
As soon as you wiggle a tiny piece of the vegetable in question out of harms way you can fully expect to get showered in large chunks of potato (or onion, or peppers)...remember these are large chunks that fly fast and hard.....because this stupid *censored* device hasn't actually CUT ANYTHING!
I am going to personally kill the man that invented this goddamn thing...in fact I'm going to use it on his nuts....because Vince says it works great on nuts...in fact so well that we are going to love his nuts.
I bet this stupid sonofabitch has a SNUGGIE as well......

DO NOT BUY A SLAP CHOP.


Cheers
Vince’s Dad
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Fri Apr 09, 2010 7:07 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

DO NOT WATCH IF YOUR RELIGIOUSLY INCLINED.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pPdFrW076R0
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 12:52 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Great gift idea.

http://www.taylorgifts.com/item/dont_p_me_off_toilet_paper_holder/29524
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