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Joke of the day!
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carmine



Joined: 25 Jul 2008
Posts: 686
Location: Calgary and Penticton

PostPosted: Sat Apr 10, 2010 4:53 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Thats a good idea esp in a shop when everyone never buys paper except the owner ME! Razz
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed May 19, 2010 5:22 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman stopped by, unannounced, at her son's house. She knocked on the door then immediately walked in. She was shocked to see her daughter-in-law lying on the couch, totally naked. Soft music was playing, and the aroma of perfume filled the room.

"What are you doing?!" she asked.

"I'm waiting for Mike to come home from work," the daughter-in- law answered.

"But you're naked!" the mother-in-law exclaimed.

"This is my love dress," the daughter-in-law explained.

"Love dress? But you're naked!"

"Mike loves me and wants me to wear this dress," she explained." It excites him to no end. Every time he sees me in this dress, he instantly becomes romantic and ravages me for hours on end. He can't get enough of me"

The mother-in-law left.

When she got home, she undressed, showered, put on her best perfume, dimmed the lights, put on a romantic CD, and lay on the couch, waiting for her husband to arrive. Finally, her husband came home. He walked in and saw her lying there so provocatively.

"What are you doing?" he asked.

"This is my love dress," she whispered sensually.

"Needs ironing," he said. "What's for dinner?

He never heard the gunshot.
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed May 19, 2010 5:28 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A man in Texas looking to join the Frio County Sheriffs Dept. was being
interviewed.

The Sergeant doing the interview says, "Your qualifications look good,
but there's an attitude suitability test you must pass before you can be
accepted."

Then, sliding a Smith and Wesson 45 pistol across the desk, he says to
the man, "Take this pistol; go out and shoot six illegal aliens, six
meth dealers, six Muslim extremists, six 'Progressive Liberal'
democrats, and a rabbit."

"Why the rabbit?" the man asked.

"That's the attitude we're looking for!" said the Sergeant, "When can
you start?"
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sat May 22, 2010 12:32 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Redneck Urinal... - Epic Fail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7gXqBpi-eI&feature=player_embedded
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 2:36 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

The quickest way to eat a watermelon.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ko5XPf2ha0I
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:08 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

crb247 wrote:
Redneck Urinal... - Epic Fail

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X7gXqBpi-eI&feature=player_embedded


LOL... it's even funnier 'cause it's in Dutch !!!
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:11 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

This woman rushed to see her doctor, looking very much worried and all strung out.

She rattles off: “Doctor, take a look at me. When I woke up this morning, I looked at myself in the mirror and saw my hair all wiry and frazzled up, my skin was all wrinkled and pasty, my eyes were bloodshot and bugging out, and I had this corpse-like look on my face! What's WRONG with me, Doctor!?”

The doctor looks her over for a couple of minutes, then calmly says: “Well, I can tell you that there ain't nothing wrong with your eyesight....”
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:13 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Texan: “Where are you from?”
Harvard grad: “I come from a place where we do not end our sentences with prepositions.”
Texan: “Okay – where are you from, jackass?”

******************************************

Two guys are sitting on a bar stool. One starts to insult the other one. He screams, “I slept with your mother!” The bar gets quiet as everyone listens to see what the other weasel will do. The first again yells, “I SLEPT WITH YOUR MOTHER!” The other says, “Go home dad you’re drunk.”

***************************

A guy walks into an antique store and buys a grandfather clock, he walks out of the shop with it and accidentally walks into a drunk guy. (they both fall over and the clock gets smashed to bits)
The guy says to the drunk, "Why don't you watch where your going?" and the drunk says, "Why don't you carry a wrist watch like everybody else?"

*******************************

A fifteen year old Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "What is this Father?"

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don"t know what it is."
While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened, and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed, and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially.

They continued to watch until it reached the last number, and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blond stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son.....

"Go get your Mother."

*********

An older, white haired man walked into a jewelry store one Friday evening with a beautiful young gal at his side. He told the jeweler he was looking for a special ring for his girlfriend.The jeweler looked through his stock and brought out a $5,000 ring and showed it to him. The old man said, "I don't think you understand, I want something very special."
At that statement, the jeweler went to his special stock and brought another ring over.

"Here's a stunning ring at only $40,000," the jeweler said.
The young lady's eyes sparkled and her whole body trembled with excitement.

The old man seeing this said, "We'll take it."

The jeweler asked how payment would be made and the old man stated by check. "I know you need to make sure the check is good, so I'll write it now and you can call the bank on Monday to verify the funds and I'll pick the ring up Monday afternoon," he said.

Monday morning, a very teed-off jeweler phoned the old man. "There's no money in that account."

"I know", said the old man, "but can you imagine the weekend I had?"

******

A woman walks into a pet store wanting to buy a pet for her husband, but she finds all the pets are so so expensive.

The woman says to the clerk at the counter, "I'm looking to buy a pet for my husband but I'm on a very short budget!."

"No worries," replies the clerk.

"We've just ordered in a very large bullfrog that can give blowjobs."

"Blowjobs," says the woman, buying the frog, thinking it would be a great gag gift, so she goes home and gives the frog to her husband explaining the frogs talent.

With a laugh the husband walks off leaving the frog in the kitchen.
In the middle of the night the woman wakes up to the sound of pots and pans flying around in the kitchen.

She goes down to find her husband and the frog reading cookbooks.
"What are you two doing?" she asks.

"Well," says the husband. "If I can teach this frog to cook you are outta here."

**********

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.

Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.

The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She said, "Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow."

"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be all right...I'll be fine in a few minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.

But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants,and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him.
She then asked him, "How does that feel?"

To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell."
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'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:15 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A woman went shopping. She walks to checkout counter and then the salesman packs all her groceries: milk, cheese, orange juice, half of bread, bar of soap, toothpaste...

All of a sudden the salesman asks her:
- You're single, aren't you?

A bit surprised woman smiles and answers:
- That's right, but how did you guessed that?

- Because you're so ugly.

*************

A very attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the bartender, who comes over immediately.
When he arrives, she seductively signals that he should bring his face closer to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his full beard.

"Are you the manager?" she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands.

"Actually, no" the man replies. "Can you get him for me?" she asks. "I need to speak to him," she says, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.

"I'm afraid I can't", breathes the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes, there is. I need you to give him a message" she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.

"What should I tell him?" the bartender manages to say.

"Tell him", she whispers, "There is no toilet paper or hand soap in the woman's room."

**************

A man walks into a bar and notices his friend sitting alone staring at a tiny man on the table playing the piano.

"Wow, look how small he is, where did you get him?!" Says the man.
"Oh, well there's this genie round the back of bar, and he grants you whatever wish you want."

Sure enough, the man goes round the back of the bar and there sits a genie.

"You grant wishes right?"

"Yes." replies the genie.

"Hmm, I'd like a million bucks."

Then, out of nowhere, a million ducks appear, and waddle behind the annoyed man as he goes back into the bar.

"Look, that genie gave me ducks instead of bucks!"

His friends sitting at the table replies, "Well yeah, do you really think I asked for a twelve inch pianist?"

*******************

A trucker who has been out on the road for two weeks stops at a brothel outside Atlanta.

He walks straight up to the Madam, drops down $500 and says: "I want your ugliest woman and a grilled cheese sandwich!"

The Madam is astonished. "But sir, for that kind of money you could have one of my finest ladies and a three-course meal."

The trucker replies: "Listen darlin', I'm not horny - I'm homesick."
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'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Thu Sep 09, 2010 7:16 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

bumper stickers

Constipated People Don't Give A Crap.

Thank You For Pot Smoking.

If You're Not A Hemorrhoid, Get Off My *censored*.

It's Been Lovely But I Have To Scream Now.

If Sex Is A Pain In The *censored*, Then You're Doing It Wrong...

If You Can Read This, Please Flip Me Back Over... (Seen upside down, on a Jeep)

Cover Me I'm Changing Lanes.

How Many Roads Must A Man Travel Down Before He Admits He Is Lost?

Horn Broken... Watch For Finger.

Honk If You've Never Seen An Uzi Fired From A Car Window.

Honk! If you want to see my finger.

So Many Pedestrians - So Little Time.

If That Phone Was Up Your Butt, Maybe You Could Drive A Little Better.

He Who Hesitates Is Not Only Lost But Miles From The Next Exit.

Boldly Going Nowhere.

Practice Safe Sex, Go Screw Yourself.

If You Drink Don't Park, Accidents Cause People.

Cleverly Disguised As A Responsible Adult.

If You Can Read This, I've Lost My Trailer.

Caution - Driver Legally Blonde!

You! Out Of The Gene Pool!

I Do Whatever My Rice Krispies Tell Me To.

Eat Right, Exercise, Die Anyway.

I Refuse To Have A Battle Of Wits With An Unarmed Person.
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'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Sat Sep 18, 2010 3:09 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

Spiders on drugs. brought to you by Environment Canada's wildlife service..

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sHzdsFiBbFc

LOL
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Fri Sep 24, 2010 7:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

A mother and her young son were flying Westjet Airlines from Calgary to Toronto. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?' The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant.

So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, 'If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?'

The busy flight attendant smiled and said, 'Did your mother tell you to ask me?'

The boy said, 'Yes, she did.'

'Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Westjet always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.'
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Richard "Lada" Loiselle
'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Wed Sep 29, 2010 5:25 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A Russian arrives in Toronto as a new immigrant to Canada.

He stops the first person he sees walking down the street and says,

"Thank you Mr. Canadian for letting me into this country, giving me free housing, free food stamps, free medical care, free money to spend and a free education!"

The passerby says, "You are mistaken, I am a Mexican."

The man goes on and encounters another passerby. "Thank you for having such a beautiful country here in Canada."

The person says, "I not Canadian, I Vietnamese."

The new arrival walks farther, and the next person he sees he stops, shakes his hand, and says, "Thank you for wonderful Canada!"

That person puts up his hand and says, "I am from Middle East. I am not Canadian."

He finally sees a nice lady and asks, "Are you a Canadian?"

She says, "No, I am from Africa".

Puzzled, he asks her, "Where are all the Canadians?"

The African lady checks her watch and says, "Probably at work."
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Richard "Lada" Loiselle
'91 2104 - 5 spd - 1.5L - Weber carb

A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.


Last edited by lalunette on Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:41 pm; edited 1 time in total
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crb247



Joined: 16 Sep 2007
Posts: 2733
Location: Sault Ste. Marie, ON, Canada

PostPosted: Fri Oct 01, 2010 12:06 am    Post subject: Reply with quote

Caution this post contains foul language


he he he









How to increase your offset the cheap way (Baxter's gallery)

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lalunette



Joined: 11 Jan 2008
Posts: 2743
Location: Winnipeg, Manitoba, Canada

PostPosted: Mon Nov 15, 2010 1:39 pm    Post subject: Reply with quote

A blonde heard that baths in milk would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said,

"I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "No, I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits. I can splash it on my eyes."
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A bad day working on the Lada is better than a good day at work.
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